Flat-screen television sets 'destroying our natural habitat' claim poltergeists
20.05.12
People intending to purchase a modern flat screen television or fancy new plasma screen should take a long hard look at themselves if they care in the slightest about having their family terrorised by a malevolent being that feeds off psychokinetic energy, the nation’s poltergeists warned last night.
Discarnate entities throughout the astral plane claim that their natural habitat of roomy 1980s box-style televisions, which are always giving off static, is coming under increasing threat from new-fangled sets way too small to fit inside, let alone serve as a handy portal to another dimension into which they can abduct your kids.
And unless the trend is reversed, typical poltergeist phenomena such as having all your furniture smashed up or being picked up by an invisible pair of hands and thrown violently down the stairs could soon become a thing of the past. Sue and Alan Johnson of Enfield are one such family who witnessed a dramatic decline in paranormal activity after throwing their old-style TV onto a skip and investing in a 40 inch LG plasma screen. Mr Johnson said, ‘putting up with the kind of shit you get on Freeview seems a small price to pay for not being bitten, scratched or having your six-year old disappear into the set while she’s watching CBeebies.’
[ Via: NewsBiscuit (satire) | Read more... ]